Capacity

I titled my blog "Cultivating Capacity" because when I was doing my own work in therapy (and I still regularly see my own counselor), it was such an "Ah-Ha" moment when I really understood what capacity meant. Capacity is all about how long an individual can stay in their Window of Tolerance.

You see, the Window of Tolerance is not an actual window, but rather a zone where an individual is emotionally regulated, regardless of what is happening. Many of us, when by ourselves, listening to our favorite music are happy, content, smiling, and just feeling good. But then our partners come in and say something that triggers us. Do we get angry and fight back (with words) or leave the room? Maybe we just go and eat something comforting or start doom-scrolling, or maybe go have a smoke or a drink? Or all of the above? When any of those things happen, we are outside of our Window of Tolerance. We are either hyperaroused (flight/fight) or hypoaroused (numbed out-flop). The hyper and hypo arousal refers to our autonomic nervous system (ANS).

The main player in the ANS is the vagus nerve. This nerve is the 10th cranial nerve and is the only one that "wanders" (vagus means wanderer) out from the brain into the body. It goes upward into the face where this pathway is known as the ventral vagal route and when it travels down into the torso, all the way into the pelvic bowl, it is called the dorsal vagal pathway. The ANS is constantly scanning for signs of danger, and it turns out, that it is also scanning for signs of safety. The most evolved pathway is the ventral vagal where we notice soft eyes, open body language, prosodic voice, and slow and emotionally regulated activity. So when those things are absent, our ANS is quick to respond from our sympathethic nervous system into flight or fight. When those strategies don't work, then we flop, our most primitive branch of the ANS, the dorsal vagal pathway kicks in where in our modern day, flop can look like numbing out or substance use. This dorsal vagal response is actually the parasympathetic nervous system with it's other ventral vagal branch being what we most typically call rest and digest. When we are in flight/fight, we are hyperaroused out of our Window of Tolerance and when we are flopped, we are hypoaroused out of our Window. So our Window of Tolerance is really the time our ANS is in that ventral vagal branch. No matter what anybody says, we are not triggered, we respond with compassion and uphold our healthy boundaries. So the more inner work we do to identify and heal our triggers, the more our Window of Tolerance increases, and thus our capacity increases. Our capacity to meet the moment with equanimity, our capacity to stay with difficult conversations while calm and centered, our capacity to get curious when we notice we are triggered (i.e. hyper or hypo aroused) and to address that part of us that maybe responding from an earlier wound. Our capacity to be mindful increases and mindfulness increases our capacity.

So counseling, as I see it from a neurobiologically-informed lens, is really about increasing our capacity to be in our Window of Tolerance. As we increase the amount of space and widen our Window, we are triggered less and content more. Our relationships become more harmonious, our gratitude may grow, and we find more pleasure in life. Oftentimes presenting symptoms in therapy are just hyper or hypo arousal of the ANS. Chronically programmed neuronal pathways can lead us down the familiar activation of either flight/fight or flop, AND...the good news is that these neuronal pathways can change. Our brain is neuroplastic! The more we cultivate capacity, the more capacity we have, and the more capacity we have, the more we cultivate capacity...what a great positive feedback loop!

Siegel, D.J. (1999). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are.

Guilford Press.